Watch Cooking Channel

50 Shades of Great Entertaining

If 1969 was the Summer of Love, 2012 is the Summer of … Dominant-Submissive Erotica? Thirty million souls and counting have succumbed to the lure of the Fifty Shades of Grey series, a literary phenomenon which was, um, conceived as Twilight fan fiction. E.L. James (real identity: Erika Leonard) churned out a quick trilogy about a college student who enters into a sex contract with a billionaire, because that happens often in real life and so it’s super relatable. But who needs plot when you have thousands of pages of soft-core paperback porn?

Since everyone’s got Grey on the brain, we thought we’d dish up suggestions for a “Fifty Shades of Great Entertaining” dinner party.

All that hot-blooded page turning can make a girl (or a boy) hungry.

Beverage Menu

Red Wine
Of course the entrepreneur Christian Grey is into fine red wine, and enjoys swirling it around in a glass opposite his new sexual conquest, Anastasia Steele. Now, you can splurge on the good stuff, or you can buy boxed wine, hit your guests in the mouth with a riding crop, and tell them, “You’ll drink what you’re TOLD to.”

Champagne
Christian and Ana enjoy the bubbly of ballers, mentioned by name as “Bolly.” Bolly, you see, is how rich people refer to Bollinger, which is an actual Champagne made in the Champagne region of France, unlike that crappy sparkling wine all of us non-billionaire masochists drink.

Twinings English Breakfast
On their first date at a cafe, Ana frets that as an unsophisticated 21-year-old simpleton, she doesn’t drink coffee! So she orders Twinings English Breakfast tea, then she freaks out and gets nervous and falls on her face in a crosswalk and begs Christian (with her eyes) to kiss her, but he tells her (with HIS eyes), “No way, lady. I am trouble and you should stay away from me because I want to take you to a dungeon and flog you!” or something like that. The point is, Ana drinks a ton of Twinings tea in this book, and if that was product placement, E.L. James probably has a Lambo with the license plate “TEA TIME.” (Note: “Lambo” is how rich people say Lamborghini.)

Margaritas
Serve your guests cheap blended margaritas in honor of the part in the book where Ana drinks a bunch of them on graduation night then barfs on herself outside a nightclub. Hey, if she hadn’t done that, should wouldn’t have drunk-dialed Christian Grey, who would never have tracked her cellphone, shown up like a phantom and whisked her off to his high-rise mansion to wash the vomit off her before taking her virginity. Margaritas all around, y’all!

Appetizers

Oysters
Food. Right. So, at one point Christian and Ana eat oysters and because Ana has not experienced capital-L “Life,” she’s never had an oyster. But they taste sexual to her so of course she eats a bunch of them while maintaining smoldering eye contact with Mr. Grey.

Main Course

Bratwurst
Serve some bratwurst. They’re not in the book, but it’ll set the tone visually.

Tacos
Again, not in the book, but come on. Tacos. Wink wink. (Make a bratwurst taco and watch people start sweating with lust!)

Beef Wellington
Christian invites Ana to meet his mother and she eats an entree she refers to as “Beef Wellington, I think.” Hey, she’s a 21-year-old college student; don’t expect her to identify fine international cuisine.

Pancakes
If you can’t get your hands on a taco or a bratwurst, or beef Wellington mystifies you because you’re a sheltered virgin, just make some pancakes. Ana eats a veritable F-ton of pancakes in this book. At one point, the two paramours even go to IHOP because simple girls enjoy the same foods that 8-year-olds do, and that’s charming to sadistic billionaires.

Dessert

Jell-O legs
Ana says that she gets “Jell-O legs” around her crush, so it seems fitting to serve a Jell-O mold for dessert. Since this is a novel about power, sophistication and wealth, you get bonus points if you add fruit or crumpled-up $100 bills to it. Or better yet, just add booze. Let us show you how.

Vanilla
Christian tells Ana that he never has vanilla sex with anyone, and by this he means non-whipping-bondagey stuff. So for dessert, go for a vanilla theme. We suggest vanilla ice cream, vanilla creme brulee, or just drink shots of vanilla extract, since it’s usually 35 percent alcohol.

Decor

Christian has a “playroom” that he calls the Red Room of Pain, so for decor, go monochromatic and stick to red! Red tablecloths, red plates, cups, silverware, um … ropes? We have a great suggestion for napkin rings, but we’re going to let you guess what that is.

Parting Gift

Before your guests leave — dizzied from deep conversation about how Ana is a great female role model because she’s willing to be treated like a sex slave — wrap leftovers in aluminum foil. Then look your guests square in the eye and say “I’ve got a FOIL PACKET for you.” They’ll know what it means.

If we missed any culinary mentions, let us know! To be honest, we just skimmed this smut looking for food references but got distracted a few times by the “I want to gag and bind you and lock you in a crate” passages. WTF, guys? Best-seller.

Bon(dage) appetit,
Alie & Georgia

Comments (2724)

  1. how do you kill bed bugs posted 09/11/2013

    Title…

    [...]very few internet sites that come about to become detailed beneath, from our point of view are undoubtedly effectively worth checking out[...]…

  2. My Hairdresser posted 09/12/2013

    My Hairdresser…

    [...]please go to the websites we comply with, such as this a single, because it represents our picks in the web[...]…

  3. RaiderZ GP posted 09/12/2013

    safe power leveling and gold…

    we can provide that power leveling faster and safe ,welcome to place order on our website…

  4. KRA posted 09/12/2013

    Title…

    [...]please visit the internet sites we follow, like this one, as it represents our picks in the web[...]…

  5. pogotowie komputerowe posted 09/12/2013

    Title…

    [...]the time to read or go to the content material or sites we have linked to below the[...]…

  6. african politics posted 09/12/2013

    african politics…

    [...]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a number of unrelated data, nevertheless actually worth taking a appear, whoa did one study about Mid East has got additional problerms also [...]…

  7. view more posted 09/13/2013

    safe power leveling and gold…

    Our honest apologies for not expressing appreciation to you earlier…

  8. vancouver wedding photos posted 09/15/2013

    Title…

    [...]below you will come across the link to some web sites that we think you must visit[...]…

  9. Village Resort posted 09/19/2013

    Village Resort…

    [...]we came across a cool internet site that you just could appreciate. Take a search should you want[...]…

  10. e cig reviews posted 09/20/2013

    Title…

    [...]usually posts some incredibly interesting stuff like this. If you’re new to this site[...]…

  11. how to cure hemorrhoids posted 09/20/2013

    Title…

    [...]The facts mentioned inside the report are some of the best obtainable [...]…

  12. teak cleaner posted 09/20/2013

    Title…

    [...]Here are a number of the internet sites we advise for our visitors[...]…

  13. Michael posted 09/23/2013

    Title…

    [...]usually posts some quite interesting stuff like this. If you are new to this site[...]…

  14. apcob.org posted 09/24/2013

    Title…

    [...]Here are a number of the web sites we recommend for our visitors[...]…

  15. http://topvodkabrands.com posted 09/25/2013

    Title…

    [...]although web-sites we backlink to below are considerably not related to ours, we feel they’re essentially worth a go through, so possess a look[...]…

  16. electric hookah posted 09/26/2013

    Title…

    [...]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a number of unrelated information, nonetheless really really worth taking a search, whoa did a single understand about Mid East has got more problerms also [...]…

  17. Title…

    [...]check beneath, are some absolutely unrelated web sites to ours, nonetheless, they may be most trustworthy sources that we use[...]…

  18. web design sarasota posted 09/28/2013

    Title…

    [...]Every when in a whilst we decide on blogs that we study. Listed beneath would be the newest sites that we opt for [...]…

  19. does he really love me posted 09/29/2013

    Title…

    [...]we came across a cool site that you may well get pleasure from. Take a look if you want[...]…

  20. meratol erfahrungsbericht posted 09/30/2013

    meratol erfahrungsbericht…

    [...]check below, are some entirely unrelated sites to ours, however, they’re most trustworthy sources that we use[...]…

  21. quote on auto insuranc posted 10/05/2013

    Title…

    [...]check beneath, are some completely unrelated sites to ours, nevertheless, they’re most trustworthy sources that we use[...]…

  22. annual credit report gov posted 10/05/2013

    Title…

    [...]Sites of interest we’ve a link to[...]…

  23. Title…

    [...]just beneath, are quite a few absolutely not related websites to ours, nevertheless, they’re certainly really worth going over[...]…

  24. plastic letters posted 10/06/2013

    Title…

    [...]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a number of unrelated information, nonetheless actually really worth taking a search, whoa did a single study about Mid East has got more problerms at the same time [...]…

  25. chep homeowners insorance posted 10/06/2013

    Title…

    [...]we prefer to honor many other internet web-sites on the net, even when they aren’t linked to us, by linking to them. Beneath are some webpages really worth checking out[...]…

  26. pure garcinia cambogia posted 10/11/2013

    Title…

    [...]Wonderful story, reckoned we could combine a handful of unrelated information, nevertheless actually worth taking a appear, whoa did one discover about Mid East has got a lot more problerms too [...]…

  27. Visit Us posted 10/11/2013

    Title…

    [...]Sites of interest we have a link to[...]…

  28. MARIJUANA TIMELINE posted 10/11/2013

    Title…

    [...]usually posts some incredibly intriguing stuff like this. If you’re new to this site[...]…

  29. UxN12SfaIB posted 10/13/2013

    The Absent Game…

    Amongst me and my husband we have owned more MP3 players over time than I can count, like Sansas, iRivers, iPods (classic & touch), the Ibiza Rhapsody, etc. But, the last few several years I’ve settled down to one line of players….

  30. how to get pregnant faster posted 10/15/2013

    Title…

    [...]one of our guests recently suggested the following website[...]…

  31. free mp3 posted 10/15/2013

    Whispering Misty…

    So sorry you can expect to miss the workshop!…

  32. Cheapest Printer Ink posted 10/16/2013

    The Ships’s Voyages…

    I believe know-how just causes it to be worse. Now there is a channel to under no circumstances treatment, now there wouldn’t become a likelihood for them to find out….

  33. Guanacaste Costa Rica beaches posted 10/16/2013

    News info…

    I was reading the news and I saw this really cool info…

  34. alimentos sanos posted 10/16/2013

    Its hard to find good help…

    I am regularly saying that its hard to get good help, but here is…

  35. acne remedies posted 10/16/2013

    Digg…

    While checking out DIGG today I found this…

  36. Travel Hacking posted 10/17/2013

    Its hard to find good help…

    I am regularly proclaiming that its hard to find quality help, but here is…

  37. site de rencontre gratuit posted 10/18/2013

    site de rencontre gratuit…

  38. data recovery software trial posted 10/20/2013

    Digg…

    While checking out DIGG today I noticed this…

  39. wines posted 10/21/2013

    Dreary Day…

    It was a dreary day here yesterday, so I just took to piddeling around on the internet and realized…

  40. Title…

    [...]Every as soon as inside a although we decide on blogs that we read. Listed beneath are the most up-to-date web sites that we select [...]…

  41. pst file recovery posted 10/22/2013

    Informative and precise…

    Its hard to find informative and accurate info but here I noted…

  42. dopamine posted 10/23/2013

    Title…

    [...]here are some links to sites that we link to because we believe they may be worth visiting[...]…

  43. internet lawyer posted 10/24/2013

    The Silent Shard…

    This can most likely be fairly valuable for some of your respective positions I intend to really don’t only with my blogging site but…

  44. home remedies for HPV posted 10/24/2013

    Title…

    [...]please stop by the web sites we adhere to, including this 1, because it represents our picks from the web[...]…

  45. iniciar sesión hotmail posted 10/25/2013

    Wikia…

    Wika linked to this website…

  46. online income posted 10/25/2013

    Yahoo results…

    While browsing Yahoo I discovered this page in the results and I didn’t think it fit…

  47. Canada Goose Parka posted 10/25/2013

    News info…

    I was reading the news and I saw this really interesting information…

  48. buspirone cheap online uk posted 10/25/2013

    Useful information for all…

    Thanks a lot for sharing this with all people you really know what you are speaking about! Bookmarked. Please additionally visit my site =). We could have a link trade arrangement between us!…

  49. stop parking posted 10/26/2013

    Whispering Misty…

    So sorry you’ll miss the workshop!…

  50. payday loans posted 10/26/2013

    make money playing video games…

    Best website in Internet about cash loans and make money playing video games and other informations!…

Post a New Comment

You must be logged in to post a comment.

c