New Year’s Resolutions You Should Skip

Why does putting up a fresh cat calendar always inspire us to promise ourselves wild things we can never live up to? Fact is, you’re pretty bitchin’ already, so feel free to keep these resolutions out of your 2013 plans.

Lose Weight
Trimming up is great, but setting unrealistic goals like dropping a third of your body weight by summer is just going to get you down. Which in turn will cause you to assume the fetal position while binging on ice cream. Instead, just focus on staying active and healthy.

Take The Stairs
Admirable, but totally undoable. You’ll be in a rush one day, or stuck behind too many slow walkers, or wanting to get in some elevator chat time with that cute guy/girl from the third floor office. Either way, you’ll befriend the elevator again.

Less Time on The Internet
I’m pretty sure Facebook and YouTube will be equally entertaining in 2013. Sure, 10 hours a day online is ruining your real life, but think of your Twitter followers!

Eat Healthy Food
You should totally attempt to eat some more healthy, home cooked meals. But face it: pizza night isn’t going to take a hike any time soon. It’s all about balance.

Save Money
Starting a loose change piggy bank is a great way to save money … until you get a midnight craving for chow mein (note: It is perfectly acceptable to pay a $20 delivery bill with quarters and dimes!)  A better way to save money is to save up for something you want. Like shoes.

Drink Less
If 2013 turns out to be a bust, you’re not going to drink less. And if 2013 has tons of cause for celebration, you’re not going to drink less. Accept it and move on.

Here’s to 2013! A year to be our best without being so hard on ourselves! Tsaketa!