Fine restaurants beware: This baby is very particular about the food served on kids’ menus.
5) SMARTIES. These tiny discs of concentrated sugar contain enough tartness to serve as a perfect palate cleanser between your milk-chocolate-and-caramel courses.
4) BUTTERFINGER. Whatever the substance in this bar is that bonds like Gorilla Glue to your teeth makes this hearty treat last way, way longer than any other chocolate bar. You are done with it before it’s done with you. ACCEPTABLE SUBSTITUTE: Clark Bar.
3) MILKY WAY MIDNIGHT. The candy bar that brought grown-up elegance to Hallowe’en. The hint of dark chocolate sophistication practically forces you to extend your pinky whilst gorging.
2) CANDY CORN. Not because it’s good. Because it’s not. What is this, the Great Depression? Why are we eating this brightly colored Appalachian wax? I’ll tell you why: because if you knew no pain, you’d never know joy. You eat candy corn because it’s there, and you can’t stop yourself. It’s still, thanks in large part to its name, TECHNICALLY candy. But when you eat some of the top-shelf stuff after a handful of these sad shapes, you appreciate the effort made by huge, faceless corporations.
1) REESE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS. For my money, the undisputed King of All Hallow’s Eve. Not the two-disc sleeve, not the miniatures in gold foil (the sweet-to-savory ratio is WAY off on those), I speak of the individual cups. And the packaging is ORANGE. Intelligent design? A case could be made!
PAUL F. TOMPKINS new comedy album LABORING UNDER DELUSIONS: LIVE IN BROOKLYN is now available on ASPECIALTHING RECORDS. Recorded live at the Bell House in Brooklyn and over 90 minutes in length, Tompkins’ powerhouse set includes a looser, expanded version of the outstanding material showcased by Tompkins in his Comedy Central special “Laboring Under Delusions.”
Get the album
on AST: http://astrecords.bigcartel.com/product/laboring-under-delusions-live-in-brooklyn
And on iTunes: http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewAlbum?id=569217481
More Paul F. Tompkins:
Food is important, but when you tour you sometimes end up eating some pretty sh*tty food. Which sucks.
If I am in town more than a day then I have a high chance of actually going somewhere great that has a beautiful philosophy behind it — a philosophy about quality. I really love quality but sometimes you just gotta eat a hot dog cause there is nothing else around.
I wish we had Del Taco and Chipotle. They are really best in San Fran. You must visit them. Just so you know how terrible things can be.
BONUS: Watch this hilarious clip of Reggie and Michael Cera musically improvising on their love of food.
Photo and interview by Andrew Wintner of The Beat Advisory
“This wine tastes like a day in Tuscany, full of regret,” and other snobbish evaluations of some glasses of red are here for your enjoyment:
Check out more hilarious parodies of food culture with our original web comedy series Fodder.
The Galloping Gourmet series that made Graham Kerr famous was before my time, but I’ve caught a few clips of his hilarity on YouTube. He literally galloped over a chair to make his entrance and drank copious amounts of wine as he cooked, never holding back on the clarified butter.